5 red flags of problematic in-laws

It’s your duty to protect your relationship with your partner.

Strong family bonds and the support of our loved ones are very important. But sometimes, even within the circle of family, things can get complicated. In-laws, those parents and siblings of your partner, can sometimes become a source of stress.

Now, we all know in-laws can be tricky to navigate. There might be some harmless teasing or occasional differences in opinion. But sometimes, the behaviour of in-laws crosses a line and becomes toxic. This can create tension and strain in your relationship with your partner, and even affect your entire family unit.

 

So, how do you know if your in-laws are just a bit overbearing or if they’re truly problematic? Here are 5 red flags to watch out for:

 

1. They disrespect boundaries

Respect for boundaries is important in any relationship, including the one you have with your in-laws. Healthy boundaries mean understanding that you and your partner are a separate unit, a mini-family of your own. Here’s what disrespectful boundaries might look like:

 

Constant unsolicited advice: Maybe your mother-in-law keeps calling with “helpful” tips on how to cook or raise your children, even if you haven’t asked.

While her intentions might be good, this constant interference can be overwhelming.

 

Showing up unannounced: Surprise visits are lovely, but not when your in-laws show up at your doorstep without even calling first. This disregards your privacy and disrupts your plans.

Making major decisions for you: Your life, your choices! If your in-laws try to dictate your career path, how you spend your money, or where you live, that’s a major red flag.

2. They play favourites

Let’s face it, everyone has a favourite child (or sibling), even parents-in-law. But it becomes problematic when your partner is constantly compared to their other children, or treated differently. Here are some signs to watch out for:

 

Public put-downs: Does your father-in-law constantly make jokes at your partner’s expense, or criticise their choices in front of everyone? This is disrespectful and hurtful.

Unequal treatment: Does your mother-in-law shower your partner’s siblings with gifts and attention, while you barely get a second glance? This kind of favouritism can create resentment and tension.

Stirring up trouble: If your in-laws constantly gossip about your partner to other family members, or try to pit you against each other, that’s a major red flag.

3. They’re manipulative and controlling

Healthy relationships are built on trust and respect. If your in-laws try to manipulate or control you or your partner, it can be very damaging.

Here are some signs of manipulation:

 

Guilt trips: Does your mother-in-law guilt you into spending every weekend at their house, even if you’d rather have some alone time with your partner? This kind of emotional manipulation is unhealthy.

Playing the victim: Do your in-laws always play the victim card? They might make you feel bad for setting boundaries, or paint themselves as the ones who are always being put upon.

Emotional blackmail: If your in-laws threaten to withdraw their love or support if you don’t do things their way, that’s emotional blackmail and it’s not okay.

4. They cause conflict between you and your partner

Your in-laws should be a source of support for your relationship, not a wedge that drives you and your partner apart.

Here’s how in-laws can cause conflict:

 

Constantly criticising your relationship: Do your in-laws constantly criticise the way you argue, handle finances, or show affection? This negativity can create doubt in your relationship.

Favour one partner over the other: If your in-laws take sides in your arguments, or seem to favour your partner, it can make you feel isolated and unheard.

Gossiping about you to your partner: If your in-laws are constantly bringing up your flaws or mistakes to your partner, it can damage trust and communication within your relationship.

5. They are verbally abusive or disrespectful

Respect is paramount in any relationship. If your in-laws are verbally abusive, name-calling, or constantly putting you down, it’s a serious problem.

Here are some signs to watch out for:

 

Insults and name-calling: No one deserves to be called names or insulted, especially not by family.

Putting you down: Do your in-laws constantly criticise your appearance, your job, or your upbringing? This kind of negativity can be very damaging to your self-esteem.

Threats and intimidation: If your in-laws ever threaten you or make you feel unsafe, it’s important to seek help immediately.

Dealing with difficult in-laws can be stressful, but remember, you’re not alone. Talk openly and honestly with your partner about how your in-laws’ behaviour is affecting you. Together, you can develop strategies for dealing with them.